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when i grow up i want to be just like them


t h i n s p o

fading obsession
some quotes
some thinspo pics
punk thinspo
duodenal switch
hungry? (protect me from what I want)
secret obsession/beauty is pain
fat girl after "stuffing"
calculate calories per hour
'pretty things' thinspo set to blondie music
caloric content of food

avalanche is sullen and too thin
she starves herself to rid herself of sin
and the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
and she says:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me
chrissie´s all dressed up and acting coy
painted like a brand new christmas toy
he´s trying to figure out if he´s a girl or he´s a boy
he says:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me
doodle takes dad´s scissors to her skin
and when she does relief comes setting in
while she hides the scars she´s making underneath her pretty clothes
she sings:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me
therapy is speedie´s brand new drug
dancing with the devil´s past has never been too fun
it´s better off than trying to take a bullet from a gun
and she cries:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me
it´s gets all fucked up in some karaoke bar
after two drinks he´s a loser after three drinks he´s a star
getting all nostalgic as he sings ´I will survive´
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me

Shooting up junk in the bathroom. Makin' it with punks on the floor. Livin' the scene out of her limosine. Little Miss S. in her mini dress - living it up to die in a blink of the public eye. Day-glo paint on an electric chair. Electric dye in her lover's hair. A pretty light in the middle of the night. Made up for everyone to see. Swingin' on the branch of a broken family tree. You got a lot of livin' to do without life. The village idiots in her bed never cared that her eyes were red - never cared that her brain was dead. In the hours that her face was alive it was a thing just to be by her side. You got a lot of livin' to do without life.

(best of cycle 1)
(cycle 1 episode 2)
(cycle 1 episode 3)
(cycle 1 episode 1)

i hate being a good friend

me (11:30:56 PM): hey dodey whats up
ollie (11:31:02 PM): Mmmmm
ollie (11:31:06 PM): Can I talk to you about somthin
me (11:31:12 PM): yeh
ollie (11:31:18 PM): But please don't tell Rena about it, please please please please
me (11:31:29 PM): cross my <3 and hope to die
me (11:31:34 PM): stick a needle in my eye
ollie (11:31:52 PM): okay
ollie (11:32:01 PM): Well, idk, stuff with her has been going kinda, meh
me (11:32:06 PM): i herd
ollie (11:34:04 PM): I mean, I still love her and stuff, but like she wanted to pretty cut out all pda, which kinda hurt because it felt like she was ashamed of me, but w/e then she was gona come over tomorrow to fool around but found out that she can't, which isn't her fault, but I had my hopes up since we haven't done anything for 5 weeks, and we can't do anything next week orthe week after, and she just suggested that we take a break over the summer, and it honestly feels like that she just said that she's going to break up with me over the summer, and when ever I see her I'm gona know in the back of my head that it isn't gona last, and I feel like total shit right now, I'm honestly really close to crying, fuck
me (11:34:37 PM): oh hun
ollie (11:34:46 PM): :--\
me (11:34:48 PM): shes not ashamed of you
ollie (11:34:50 PM): :-\
me (11:34:59 PM): and... its bitch week for her
me (11:35:18 PM): and i dunno what to say about the summe thing
me (11:35:26 PM): but i know she loves you sooo much
me (11:35:38 PM): and she dosent want to break up
ollie (11:36:08 PM): It's not bitch week thogh, she got off her period yesterday
me (11:36:14 PM): oh
me (11:36:59 PM): well.. i cant pretend to know whats going on in her head without talking to her
me (11:37:01 PM): um..
me (11:38:44 PM): i know she dosennt wanna break up... but she had been talking about it and she had said she wasnt gonna mention it because she diddnt wanna fuck things up
me (11:39:39 PM): i think her thought is that when summer comes then schools out and shes gonna be at the beach surfing and shit and she might have started feeling a bit claustrophobic
me (11:41:16 PM): and that might be the same thing with the pda, that if you two are always uber close and touchy feely that that sets her apart from everyone else
me (11:42:39 PM): like its rena+oliver and the rest of our group of friends instead of rena and oliver in the group of friends
me (11:42:42 PM): yknow?
ollie (11:42:59 PM): yeah, I know what you mean
ollie (11:43:25 PM): tbh, I guess I'm kinda jelious of Tyler and Rose, because they pda and stuff and no one seems to care and stuff
me (11:45:04 PM): its not the matter of everyone else caring.. the thing is that with them the roles are sorta reversed.. like they were hanging out in the lobby or something and tyler suggested they go over and hang out with everyone else and rose said 'arent i enough'
ollie (11:45:39 PM): Yeah
ollie (11:45:59 PM): tbh I kinda wish Rena'd do that :-\ but w/e, I really love her
me (11:46:41 PM): :-( she's just been feeling really distant from all of our friends though
me (11:46:53 PM): like oil in water
ollie (11:47:10 PM): yeah
me (11:47:46 PM): and shes realy trying to get back into the groove of everyone
me (11:48:04 PM): youre sorta the innocent victim of that
ollie (11:49:13 PM): :-\
ollie (11:49:29 PM): I mean, I can see where she's commin with that, and it doesn't really bother me that much
ollie (11:50:23 PM): It's just like, she wants to take a break because she's afraid that if we don't she's going to be paniking because she's gona be worried that I'm gona be cheating on her and stuff, which honestly I wouldn't. I'm just not that type of person :-\
me (11:50:38 PM): i know
ollie (11:50:41 PM): and like, if I had to cheat on her it'd be with you, honestly, and I know that you wouldn't let me
me (11:51:02 PM): and to be 100% honest i think she knows you would never cheat
me (11:51:09 PM): and no, i wouldnt
me (11:51:41 PM): <3
ollie (11:51:45 PM): <3


carved onto my desk

You have the right to work, but for work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of work. Desire for the fruits of work must never be your motive in working. Never give way to laziness, either. Perform each action with your heart fixed on the Supreme Lord. Renounce attachment to the fruits. Be even-tempered in success and failure; for it is this evenness of temper which is meant by yoga. Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self-surrender. Seek refuge in the knowledge of Brahman. They who work selfishly for results are miserable.
-Bhagavad Gita
It loved to happen.
-Marcus Aurelius
O snail/ Climb Mount Fuji,/ But slowly, slowly!
Concerning the Gods, there are those who deny the very existance of the Godhead; others say that it exists, but neither bestirs nor concerns itself nor concerns itself nor has forethought for anything. A third party attribute to it existence and forethought, but only for great and heavenly matters, not for anything as in heaven, but only in general, and not with respect to each individual. A fifth, of whom were Ulysses and Socrates, are those who cry:-"I move not without Thy Knowledge!"
THe love interest and climax would come when a man and a lady, both strangers, got to talking together on the train going back east. "Well," said Mrs. Croot, for it was she, "what did you think of the Canyon?" "Some cave," replied her escort. "What a funny way to put is!" replied Mrs. Croot. "And now play me something."
-Ring Lardner
God instructs the heart, not by ideas but by pains and contradictions.
-De Caussade
"Papa!" shrieked Kitty, and shut his mouth with her hands. "Well, I won't..." he said. "I'm very, very pleased... Oh, what a fool I am" He embraced Kitty, Kissed her face, her hand, her face again, and made the sign of the cross over her. And there came over Levin a new feeling of love for this man, till then so little known to him, when he saw how slowly and tenderly Kitty kissed his muscular hand.
-Anna Karenina
"Sir, we ought to teach the people that they are doing wrong in worshipping the images and pictures in the temple." Ramakrishna: "That's the way with you Calcutta people: you want to teach and preach. You want to give millions when you are beggars yourselves... Do you think God does not know that he is being worshipped in the images and pictures? If a worshipper should make a mistake, do you not think God will know his intent?
-The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna
"Don't you want to join us?" I was recently asked by an accqaintance when he ran across me alone after midnight in a coffeehouse that was already almost deserted. "No, I don't," I said.
The happiness of being with people.
St. Francis de Sales' prayer: "Yes, Father! Yes, and always, Yes!" Zui-Gan called out to himself to himself every day, "Master." Then he answered himself, "Yes, sir." And then he added, "Become sober." Again he answered, "Yes, sir." "And after that," he continued, "do not be deceived by others." "Yes, sir; yes, sir," he replied.

Orange soda makes me think of drinking vermouth with Annie.
Which used to make me think of everything I've done to screw things up while her lap dog. And my mom finding out and not knowing what to do. Because she never had to ground me before.
But now drinking vermouth with Annie makes me think of all the fun I had without her last night.
At my first sober coffee house.

Where my band kicked ass.

And I hung out with all the guys (which I love so much more than being stuck hanging out with girls).

Except Rosie (and last night we sorta came out as bi to each other).
Which is soooooo cool.
But the point is that I don't need Annie to have fun (the way I always thought I did).

And true, it did sorta suck to be horny and sober and stalked by annoying people, but who gives a fuck.

Dan, Jim, and Christians band, Blissfully Unaware, spontaneously reunited for the 1st time since 8th grade.
And Dan and I hung out without being awkward alone together.
And we went on an adventure (not an "adventure") up to the top of Fogg's bell tower.
And somehow I felt really intoxicated... but I wasn't.
And Jim and I hung out and had actual conversations (and acted like total retards sprinting around Fogg)
And the guys and I had a huge game of ass tag.
Till my little brother found us...


Oh yeah, and Nylon (magazine) published a picture I sent in.
Which is tres schweet.

bedways is rightways

well i am feeling shagged and fagged and fashed

and ready to sleep
(as usual)

and ready to wake up
(which is unusual)

and tomarrow is a new day

and iggy pop(<3) should be elected president


is it summer yet?


the truth is harder

but much more valid and much more worthwhile

I stayed home from school today. For once I was 100% honest to Mum about why, well, maybe 75% honest. I just told her the general picture of why I've been so depressed. She said that it was a good idea to take a step back and analyze everything. Last night I woke up sobbing and I finaly realized why.
Rena and I have been best friends since the first day of the first grade. I call her my sister because she is. I'm closer to her than my own brother. We were going to go to high school together and be roommates in collage together and travel through europe together and live in the city near each other and our kids would be on the same soccer teams and be best friends. And so it goes. But now, but now. Thanks to Annie and thanks to Alex Stien she's leaving Berwick. But now we're never going to grow old together. But now we're never gonna have our middle.
Years from now I might run into her on the street or at a club. And it might be the happiest moment of my life. But I don't want that, I want to see her everyday and I want to call her first when I get good news and I want her to stay and I want her to want to stay.
Fucking christ. If Alex haddn't come to Berwick then Nate and Joe would be here. Rena would be fucking Joe and I would be fucking Nate. If Annie haddn't come then Jo and Chelsea would still hang out with us and Jon and Adam and Phil would still hang out with us. Dan and I would be on speaking terms and Jim wouldn't be drinking. Our banda wouldn't have been split basicaly in two, those that hate Annie and those who love her.
Everyone in the hate her camp except me and Rosie saw her from the begining as what she was. I feel like such an idiot. Why can't I read people? All this girl had to do was tell me storys of getting high with friends. Recall an amusing anicdote from last summer and I was hooked. Then she brought me and Rose Champagne and we snuck out and spent the night lying on my trampoline and telling each other everything. She told us about being molested by kids in her kindergarden. I told them I cut myself sometimes and Rosie told us about her suicide attempt.
Now it's five months later and I've started to see through her charming facade. But it's so complicated because I love her... like really. Maybe it's just lust but it's been going on for months. Goddamn it. And everyday when I see her everything I know about her is outta my head. I get so blinded by her charisma and confidance.
So what do I do? It is so hard to stay away from her but when I'm with her I'm miserable.

Jan. 22nd, 2008


i just carved 'the blank genoration' into my right hip

mum knows something's up

she talked to me about going on happy pills

i told her there was no way she would get me on those suppressants

those numbing agents

those sedatives

fuck no

What do you want?

Freedom I think they call it
The hippies used to call it that
But I bet there's a better word for it.

-band names-
the gromkiest, the modern millicents, the banda, the effete, the old men, the shoguns, the puppets
-places to go-
big sur, florence, paris, gasglow, chinqua terra
-neccesary objects-
a warm sleeping bag, duffle bag, guitar, hard guitar case
jeans, tee's, converse, tanks, denim jacket, sweaters

I was sayin let me out of here before I was even born
it's such a gamble when you get a face

As the Odyssey progresses the reader sees Telemachos change from a boy to a man when faced with the task of saving his mother from the horde of suitors and rescuing his father. Its ironic, really, that his quest was to save Odysseus because when we are first introduced to Telemachos he himself is waiting for rescue. Our first impression of him is "a boy, day dreaming. What if his great father came from the unknown world and drove these men like dead leaves through the palace." Instead of his father appearing to save him Athena appears. Her intention, however, was not to rescue Telemachos, but rather to inspire him to rescue his family and himself. She does not help him, but instead brings out his best traits and enables him to help himself.
I've always thought my brother was like Tele. But sitting here, crying and cutting, binging and purging, I need help. I know it sounds cheesy but I need help. Everything is falling apart and I am loosing control. Noone can help me, I'm compleatly alone for the first time.

thought of you as everything