You have the right to work, but for work's sake only. You have no right to the fruits of work. Desire for the fruits of work must never be your motive in working. Never give way to laziness, either. Perform each action with your heart fixed on the Supreme Lord. Renounce attachment to the fruits. Be even-tempered in success and failure; for it is this evenness of temper which is meant by yoga. Work done with anxiety about results is far inferior to work done without such anxiety, in the calm of self-surrender. Seek refuge in the knowledge of Brahman. They who work selfishly for results are miserable.
-Bhagavad Gita
It loved to happen.
-Marcus Aurelius
O snail/ Climb Mount Fuji,/ But slowly, slowly!
-Issa
Concerning the Gods, there are those who deny the very existance of the Godhead; others say that it exists, but neither bestirs nor concerns itself nor concerns itself nor has forethought for anything. A third party attribute to it existence and forethought, but only for great and heavenly matters, not for anything as in heaven, but only in general, and not with respect to each individual. A fifth, of whom were Ulysses and Socrates, are those who cry:-"I move not without Thy Knowledge!"
-Epictetus
THe love interest and climax would come when a man and a lady, both strangers, got to talking together on the train going back east. "Well," said Mrs. Croot, for it was she, "what did you think of the Canyon?" "Some cave," replied her escort. "What a funny way to put is!" replied Mrs. Croot. "And now play me something."
-Ring Lardner
God instructs the heart, not by ideas but by pains and contradictions.
-De Caussade
"Papa!" shrieked Kitty, and shut his mouth with her hands. "Well, I won't..." he said. "I'm very, very pleased... Oh, what a fool I am" He embraced Kitty, Kissed her face, her hand, her face again, and made the sign of the cross over her. And there came over Levin a new feeling of love for this man, till then so little known to him, when he saw how slowly and tenderly Kitty kissed his muscular hand.
-Anna Karenina
"Sir, we ought to teach the people that they are doing wrong in worshipping the images and pictures in the temple." Ramakrishna: "That's the way with you Calcutta people: you want to teach and preach. You want to give millions when you are beggars yourselves... Do you think God does not know that he is being worshipped in the images and pictures? If a worshipper should make a mistake, do you not think God will know his intent?
-The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna
"Don't you want to join us?" I was recently asked by an accqaintance when he ran across me alone after midnight in a coffeehouse that was already almost deserted. "No, I don't," I said.
-Kafka
The happiness of being with people.
-Kafka
St. Francis de Sales' prayer: "Yes, Father! Yes, and always, Yes!" Zui-Gan called out to himself to himself every day, "Master." Then he answered himself, "Yes, sir." And then he added, "Become sober." Again he answered, "Yes, sir." "And after that," he continued, "do not be deceived by others." "Yes, sir; yes, sir," he replied.
-Mu-Mon-Kwan

Monday Afternoon
Day 1 of exams is over
Dan and Heather come over
to toke up and bitch about Skafidas's test


-What the fuck does he expect from us?
Heather is sitting at the desk and carefully rolling a joint. Here long, delicate fingers slowly pinch out a bit of green and sprinkle it on the paper. She pushes it to the end and rolls. Cautiously she lifts it up and licks the end of the paper and presses it down. She licks the two ends and twists them each separately. Dan watches in anticipation, He stares at her working hands like a dog at a steak, animalistic, primitive. Heather looks up at him and hands him one the three toothpick joints.
-Do you think he'd not count it if we all failed?
-Of course he's gonna, Smith's been on him for the whole no homework thing. He's not gonna risk his job to keep our grades from dropping those five points or whatever.
-Fuck Smith. He's such a hypocrite, if someone screws up its the end of the fucking world but when it takes him half the year to catch the kid spiking coke at coffee houses then its "human error"
Heather draws out the then and makes hand quotes around human error. Her point is proven and she reaches down to pick up her joint. She takes Dans lighter without asking but he shows no signs of caring. I hold out my hand and she hands me the last one, unlit. I keep my hand out until she gives me the lighter too. I lean back down and light up before going back to my magazine. Heather takes a long drag before starting up again.
-Davie's english one wasn't as bad as I thought. Except the author story matching bit I mean, but it was okay.
Dan goes over to my window and looks out onto the parking lot next door. He closes the curtains and sits back on the desk.
-i didn't mind it.. English hasn't been that bad this year. We didn't do any poetry which kinda sucked.
-Did you guys get that matching bit for hyperboyle?
I can't help but laugh, Davie had put it twice, as B and J.
-Dude I know, I wass sitting there laughing but I diddnt think anyone else got it. I looked over and you wernt laughing.
-No man, I just diddnnt do that part till the end. I had totaly forgotten about the whole literary terms part.
-I diddn't mind those, but what was that line from MacBeth, the spot passage one?
Heather giggles and falls against Dans leg.
-How the hell would I know, I guessed on every fucking one.
She pauses and takes another drag.
-I hated that book anyway. It was so long and boring, why do we need to read plays?
-What the hell are you talking about?
Dan's getting mad, I can pick it up by the tone of his voice. He shifts in his seat to face Heather. I flip the page of the magazine.
-MacBeth is Shakespeare's finest work, Its such beautiful lyricism, such poetry.
Dan must be feeling pretty clever, pretty intelligent. He leans back and blows smoke out his nose. I sit up and watch him. He gives me a challenging look, daring me to talk.
-There's more to poetry than writing in verse you know. Just because you can rhyme doesn't make you a poet and it doesn't make your writing beautiful or special or particularly important.
-Are you trying to say that Shakespeare didn't write beautiful or influential work?
Dan looks at me like a kid about to set an ants antenna on fire with a magnifying glass.
-No
I stare right back at him.
-No, thats not what I was saying. I'm just saying that he wasn't a poet. He was an author who wrote in verse and measure.
Heather has obviously gotten bored, when Dan starts to retort she stops him and tries to change the subject.
-So are you guys going to Rachel's after semi. Her mom's gonna be out really late at a party or something so we'll have the house to ourselves.
I look away from Dan and over to her. She smiles and raises her eyebrows, flirting.
-I can go if I can get a ride there.
-Mom took my car away, so Dans the only one who can drive folks.
I look over to Dan and see that he's glaring at me. I look back to Heather.
-But I think he's mad at me.
-I think you're right.
She giggles again and almost falls off her seat.
-He knows I was only messing with him. Give him a minute to chill and he'll forgive me and offer me a ride.
Dan looks over to me and catches my glance. I give him my puppy dog look. Come on Dan, pity me. I'm not as smart as you but don't hold it against me. I deserve sympathy not anger. Come on Baby, you know you cant hate me. I know you honey and you're not gonna keep this grudge. You can't hate me, you never have been abel to hate me, you'll never be abel to hate me. He keeps staring into my eyes and I keep staring into his. i can tell he's about to crack, he just needs that final push. I bite my lower lip, gently, sigh, and look away.
-I'll drive you.
Good job Danny Boy, good job.




for school i changed my friends annies name to heather btw's

Girls that need more Thinspo devoted to them
1. Debbie Harry
2. PJ Soles (as Riff Randell)
3. Audrey Hepburn (particularly in Funnny Face)
4. Uma Thermon (particularly in Pulp Fiction)
5. Ari Up
6. Rose [mkay, so she is my bffl so theres really no thinspo devoted to her but she is the skinnyiest most gorgous gal I know<3]
7. Cate Blanchette
8. Gwyenth Paltrow(as Margot Tennenbaum)
9. Helen Bonom-Carter
10. Kirsten Dunst

these are not neccesarily in order of course
but how could you not be thinspired

I don't.
I don't know why but I cant having these panic attacks and bouts of depression. How self centered am I? I mean really, I have everything a person needs to live and extra. I have a family that loves me and tons of close friends. I live in a safe little town overflowing with natural beauty (I just noticed how similar the worlds natural and neutural are). I go to a brilliant school for free because my mom works there. My mom lets me do almost anything. She lets me do whatever I want to my room. She lets me dye my hair. When she found a bottle of alchohol I had stolen from her she barely punished me. All she did was not let me go trick or treating. The friend she knew I drank it with she dosent trust at all but she knows I love her to death so she lets us hangout whenever we want. Thats a lie. She only lets us hang out supervised.
A few days ago, New Years Eve, I slept over. Her parents gave us Crystal at midnight but once they went to bed we raided their "happy fridge", the one full of alchohol. We made up some belvedere (voddy) and tab's at two in the morning. The next day we had killer hangovers and came up with the genius cure, drink more. So we decided to come to my house and we would have some beers and go sledding. I found out later that she only wanted to come over so she could see her best friend and fuck buddie who lives down the street and get drunk.
We called up my mom and she said we couldn't come over because she diddn't want us home alone for the two years that it would take for her to come back from skiing. Annie had the brilliant idea to go to Jim's. She said that was fine. Why wouldn't she? I've known Annie for four months but I've known Jim for over ten years. Since first grade. His mom teaches at the school and this kid has never gotten in trouble in his life. Well, haddent, untill this fall when he and Annie snuck off durring a school coffeee house to make out in the dark theater.
So we get to his house and right away we go up to his room and Annie tells us to keep the lights off. We climb into his bed and talk for a bit and then they start to make out. Whatever. I sit there and send text messages to one of my best guy friends, Ollie. I beg him to send someone to airlift me outta here. I tell him even fema will do. He laughs and offers to come over and save me himself. I love this kid, he loves me too. He tells me every day and its really nice to hear. It always brightens my day. Fuck that's cheesy. He's dating my best and oldest friend Rena. To keep him from leaving her she fucked him. He was trying to dump her so he could go out with me.
After sitting there for an hour or so of akwardness Annie gets up and announces that she's hungary. So we go off to the chineese place down the street. We walk there and back to my house in the cold. A week ago she broke her toe so she has Jim fireman carry her.
At my house we say hi to mom quickly before rushing upstairs. I have a six pack in my room. We get in snow gear and shove the beers into our snow pants. I take three and Jim takes two. Annie takes one. We shuffle outside before mom can get a good look at us and we head out the door. We cross the street to the golf course on the other side. It was built five or six years ago but the lot used to be trees and a pond. Now its golf course greens and the pond is a hazard. We climb the giant hill and get to the other side being really careful to get far enough from the road. Standing you can still sorta see my house but when we sit theres nothing around for miles.
I pull out the bottle opener and give her and Jim the first two. Annie starts chugging away soon as she gets it but Jim stares for a bit. He's never drunken before. Annie leans over and takes a sip and then kisses him. She pushes the beer into his mouth with her tounge he chokes a bit but swallows it. We sit and drink for a bit and chuck our empty bottles into the woods. Jim takes longer than us and is barely halfway done when we're finishing our seconds. I pull out another to pop the cap off but Annie stops me. We wait and watch untill Jim finishes his. I offer him the last beer but he says no. Annies pissed and tries to make him but he keeps refusing. She climbs on top of him and they start making out. I wait for them to stop but they dont. Fuck that. I finish off the beer on my own and lie back into the snow bank.
A bit later Annie leans over and pulls me up asking for that beer. I tell her laughing a little that I thought to myself, well they're off making so I might as drink up. She leans in and kisses me for a while. When she leans out she asks if I still feel like the third wheel. I try to say that wasnt what I said but all that comes out is mumbles. They go back at it and I make a snow man. The eyes are bottle caps and the arms are branches of a thorn bush. I cut myself through the mittens.
They comeover in a little while and ask if I'm ready to go back. I say I am and we start the treck back home. We form a line and I'm in front. Behind me is Annie and then Jim. I step in the foot prints from our way over here. It dosent work and my feet still get snowy and wet.
In the house we stumble up the back stair way into my room. Mom's asleep on the couch. We get up and take off our gear, stripping down into our underware. I put my jeans from before on but Annie and Jim stay in their underware and shirts. They climb under my covers and I go on IM. I hear them makingn but I turn on music to drown out the noise. Good music too, The Ramones and such. I talk to Nate. Sweet kid as he is I havent seen him for months. He got kicked outta school for smoking pot durring lunch in some guys car. I miss him loads. We talk for an hour or two. Probably more now that I think about it. At 10-30 Jims mom calls and makes him come home. Soon as he's gone Annie tells me he fingered her. I cant think of what to say so I just lay down and pretend to be asleep. I hear her call him and they talk about when she first came to Berwick. Her impressions of people and such. She says she was really uneasy around me, couldn't imagine why anyone would want to dress the way I do or dye their hair magenta like mine was at the time. I liked her. She adds that she loves me to death now.
I don't.
I don't love her. She's a bad friend. She's selfish and a bit of a sociopath. I stay friends with her becuase she is immune to everything. I want to be like that and if I spend enough time with her I will be. I guess I use her the same way she uses me. But I dont think I'm sinking to her level. I hope I'm not.

so i suppose i'm bi
cuz i have a serious crush on my best friends (yeah, both of them)
and it dosent help that we mak all the time
cuz they arent
but whatever
****
oh and one just had an orgasm for the first time
and i should be jealous or happy or whatever
but im really indiferant about the whole thing
******
todays day one of le plan
and i'm psyched
ill go have some lettuce later
but im not hungery right now
which is nice
*****
if i keep to <200 calories per day
i can hit 110 in two months
****
i havent seen ollie in a week and i miss him
what a cutie
******
i feel a little guilty about fooling around with him
and having cyber sex
considering he's dating my oldest and possibly closest friend
**
but i havent really talked to her in a long time
but we're so close that its like we're sisters
only estranged sisters
*
if i ever went a month without hanging out with rosie or annie
it would be so weird when we did hang out
its a friendship of circumstance
***
we're three teenage alchoholic "whores"
(acording to the rest of the world)
but really we just sorta click
and each of us is using the other two for their own selfish purpouses
*****
i use annie to give me confidence
(which i lack unless i'm shitfaced)
i use rose for thinspo and someone to push me
and she's gonna peirce my eyebrow next week i belive

I feel so mismatched today. I want to be normal and healthy and please my mum but I also want to be a freak and an alien and tragicaly beautiful. I want to be misunderstood but I want to be abel to identify with my fellow man. I love being drunk and disorienated and confused but I need to know whats going on. I want to sit back and watch as an unbiased obesrver but I want to live my life. I want to leave and never come back but the thought of doing that to my family kills me. I want to be a beatnick and transform into a mix of dan eldon and sal paradise only minus the dick and I want to learn and go to collage and by a house on a lake in southern Vermont. I want someone to come to my school and shoot it up to give me some actual life experiance but when my best friend told me how he tried to kill himself I threw up at the image. I want to die and not have to deal with all this but I swore to myself I would never put him through that. I want to be loved. I want to be hated. I want to be envied. I want to be feared. I want to be respected. I want to be dirt. I want a family and friends. I want to be utterly alone. I dont know what I want but I dont want this.